People notice you less than you think!

2 days ago

2 min read

There's a psychological phenomenon I wish everyone who gets socially nervous knew about.

It's called the spotlight effect.

Basically, we tend to overestimate how much other people notice us. The strange thing is that it makes complete sense from inside our own head.

You notice that your face feels warm. You notice the tiny stumble over a word. You know that you forgot someone's name for half a second. You remember exactly what you said at dinner three hours later. So it feels very obvious that everyone else noticed too.

But you're experiencing the situation from the one perspective nobody else has access to: yours.

Everyone else is busy experiencing themselves. They're thinking about what they said, whether they look weird, what they're having for dinner, the email they forgot to answer and why their friend hasn't texted back.

I sometimes remind clients of this before presentations or important social situations. You are the main character in your experience of the room.

You are not the main character in everyone else's world.

And I don't mean that in a depressing way. I think it's incredibly freeing. You don't have to monitor every movement. People are generally much more forgiving than the voice inside your own head.

One thing you can try this week is deliberately allowing one small imperfection in a low stakes situation.

Ask the question without rehearsing it first.
Speak even though you haven't formulated the sentence perfectly.
Leave the slightly awkward pause alone instead of rushing to fill it.

Then notice what actually happens. Usually, very little.

If anxiety or self consciousness is making you hold back socially or professionally, we can work very practically on changing that. Love,

Anna

Nerd-word of the week

Fascinating psychological phenomenons for the extra interested

The Illusion of Transparency

A cognitive bias where we overestimate how well others understand what we think, feel or mean. For example, when explaining something, we often assume our point is obvious and leave out context the other person actually needs.

The Quicky Q&A

Got a question? Send in yours on socials and it'll pop up here

Q: What do I do if I get a black out?

A: Ask them a question! It shifts the focus from you to them, and you get time to take a deep breath and calm down. Then you can start over.

What's hot this week?

A tip on something new from media, books, culture or podcasts

Read about the classic “facial scar” study by Kleck & Strenta, where participants believed they were entering a social interaction with a visible scar, even though it had secretly been removed. The result is incredibly fascinating!