Why do we replay conversations in our head?
Week 40
October 2nd
Have you ever left a conversation that was completely fine, and then started analysing it afterwards?
Why did I say it like that?
Did she think that was weird?
Did I talk to much?
Please tell me it happens to you to! I know I work with communication, and yet I still do it. All. The. Time.
The interesting thing is that replaying a conversation can feel productive. Like we're investigating what happened and getting closer to the truth. Usually we're not.
Psychologically, rumination tends to shift our attention inward. Instead of getting more objective, we start looking at the conversation through our own insecurities. A neutral facial expression suddenly becomes evidence that they were bored. A pause becomes awkward. One slightly clumsy sentence starts representing the entire interaction. And the more we analyze, the more convincing our interpretation becomes.
Something I often work on with clients is separating these three things:
What actually happened? What am I assuming happened? What am I afraid it means about me?
Try it the next time you start replaying something. Maybe the actual fact is: I paused for a few seconds while answering.Your interpretation is: I sounded insecure. Your fear is: They don't think I'm competent.
Once you separate them, it becomes much easier to work with what is actually happening instead of fighting a story your brain created afterwards.
This is also why I don't think confidence is about reaching some magical point where you never overthink again.
I still get nervous sometimes. I can still overanalyze. The difference today is that I recognize what is happening and know what to do with it.
That is a skill you can learn.
If overthinking, nervousness or second guessing yourself is getting in the way of how you communicate, this is exactly the kind of thing I work on in my private coaching.
Have a great weekend! Love,
Anna
Nerd-word of the week
Fascinating psychological phenomenons for the extra interested
The Zeigarnik Effect
We tend to remember unfinished or unresolved things better than completed ones. That’s why an awkward conversation can keep popping back into your head long after it happened.
The Quicky Q&A
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Q: What do I do if I said something I regret?
A: You can always go back, even the next day, and say: “I’ve been thinking about what I said. It came out wrong, and I’m sorry. What I meant was…”
Better to correct it late than never.
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